The Year Without You
by Aunt Kathy
Summary: Post-Endgame J/C Winter fic. Kathryn comes home after being away and is determined to get over the greatest love of her life. Extreme fluff.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Own them? No. I don't. I don't own Kathryn Janeway, I don't own Chakotay, I don't own the coffee pot.

Author's Note: This was written for VAMB's Secret Santa Exchange 2013. Lauawill requested a post-Endgame J/C romantic winter tale, and this is the fluffy outcome.

I'm afraid I've never been able to get my head around the Stardate converter, so I have used the traditional Terran calendar months.

Thank yous: To Ria and Sira for organising the whole shebang. You are both wonderful people. Also, thanks to my beta.

Dedications: to lauawill- this is her gift. Because she wanted Kathryn to barge in and poke Chakotay in the nose.

Enjoy.

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Prologue- 2378

She stood there silently, trying to muster up the courage to press the chime that would alert him to her presence. But she couldn't. She had been debating this issue for the past seven years, but never more ferociously than she had over the past several hours. Her crew had been locked down and Starfleet was requesting every professional and personal log made on board, every scrap of information that their computer's databanks had stored over the past seven years. The future for everyone on board was suddenly far murkier and less clear than it ever was in the Delta Quadrant, but Captain Kathryn Janeway couldn't find it in herself to think of anything but her first officer.

Ever since Admiral Janeway had told her that Seven and Chakotay were to marry, she had been distracted, weighing all the pros and cons of finally admitting her feelings for the man who had been by her side, the person she had come to rely on in most aspects of her life. She couldn't keep it bottled up any longer- she had to tell him now before it was too late. But was it already too late? He had a new love interest now, and that love interest happened to also be her dear friend: was it fair for her to complicate an existing relationship? Maybe she'd had her chance, and she'd blown it. On the other hand, she couldn't bring herself to believe that Chakotay and Seven would be truly happy together; perhaps, by complicating things, she'd be doing them a favor...and, she supposed, the worst that could happen was that she'd alienate them both. She wondered briefly whether she could live without either of them in her life, knowing she had selfishly driven them away.

But this dance had gone on long enough. She needed to be honest, both with herself, and with him.

Her mind was made up. Taking a deep breath and squaring her shoulders slightly, she leaned forward and reached for the chime-

Kathryn stopped as a growing noise presented itself from the other side of the door. She could hear voices from inside Chakotay's quarters. They must have been too quiet for her to hear a few moments before, but now she could distinctly hear two people talking. Unable to make out the words, she tried instead to focus on the tone and pitch to identify their owners. One was Chakotay, which was hardly surprising as these were his quarters. Kathryn would be able to recognize his deep, rich tones anywhere. But she froze as the other voice spoke again. It was higher, more feminine. However, the tone was repetitive, even, dry. Seven. Chakotay spoke once more and Kathryn could tell that this wasn't your usual debriefing session or philosophical discussion. Chakotay's voice was a low purr that she had only heard him use once before: when he had told her the legend of an angry warrior, who could not find peace.

She took a step back from the door, chiding herself silently for not going to see him earlier. She could tell that Seven's voice was light, flirtatious, or as flirtatious as she could ever have imagined the ex-drone's voice to be.

_I'm too late. He's moved on already._

The thought settled heavily on Kathryn's thoughts, suffocating any hope she may have had of a future with the man she had denied herself for so long. She couldn't have expected him to wait for her, not this long. She had been stupid, blind even, to think that Chakotay would still want her after all this time.

And, clenching her jaw shut as she heard a very feminine giggle come from inside her first officer's quarters, Kathryn Janeway walked back to her quarters, fighting the tears that came with a broken heart.

* * *

January 2379

It was a cold winter in Indiana. Kathryn looked out of the window, watching the snowflakes lazily float to the ground and settle quietly on those that had already gathered there. December had been tough for her. She had battled through their momentous homecoming, still unable to tear her mind away from the empty feeling she had inside.

The pain had not subsided any further. Kathryn had tried to put on a brave face during all the official events and celebrations that the brass put on: she had remained composed at the hearings at which the future of her crew was decided, and she had even forced a smile when Seven had told her of her relationship with Chakotay. The two of them were to go to Trebus to help restore what the Cardassians had destroyed. Not once did Kathryn talk to Chakotay about it.

Part of her wanted to demand an explanation, to confront him, to lash out at him for moving on. But she couldn't. Kathryn knew that a small part of her was happy that he had done it, that he had managed to find what she couldn't. She wanted to believe that seeing him happy with another woman would be enough, that without the confrontation, without the clarification, the spoken proof that such a conversation would give her, she would still be able to move on. Surely simply seeing him happy with Seven was easier than hearing him say that he didn't love her anymore, that he might never even have loved her to begin with, wasn't it? This way she could still believe that he might have loved her at some point.

She felt guilty for not being able to let this go. Christmas had been filled with family events, too much food, and even more alcohol. Kathryn knew she should have been happy to be home, happy to finally have brought them back. That all this was dwarfed by what she had heard in Chakotay's quarters barely a month beforehand made her angry at herself for dwelling on something that, by all rights, should be inconsequential compared with the impossible feat she had just accomplished: the undeniable odds that said they'd never make it home, and yet here they were.

Kathryn sighed. This wasn't the way to continue through this. Her heart had been broken before, and on each occasion she had found her way back through her work. Starfleet had given her a clear purpose when she lacked direction.

_This time will be no different._


	2. Chapter 2

For disclaimers and author's notes, please see chapter 1.

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December 2379

A year had passed since Kathryn was last in Indiana, but this winter was proving to be even colder than the last one. The snow lay heavily on the ground as she trudged her way through it from the transporter station, bag in tow. The year in question had been the hardest that she could ever remember having endured. In the beginning she had tried each day not to think about Chakotay, hoping that the emptiness she felt inside would recede. It hadn't. Instead it had continue to fester and grow until she had no choice but to throw herself completely into her work. In March the opportunity had arisen for her to be a part of a diplomatic envoy to Romulus. It was a top secret operation, and would ensure that she would receive no sub-space communications while she was away from Earth. She had grabbed the opportunity firmly with both hands.

Over the past twelve months, she had lost contact with most of her old crew. She knew that there was a reunion planned for shortly after the New Year, but she was highly reluctant to go. Knowing Chakotay, he would be there, and seeing him was something that she knew she wasn't ready for.

She walked up to the front porch and knocked twice, happy after all this time to be able to come home for the holidays. She had been worried that the mission to Romulus would take her into the following year but, thankfully, that had turned out not to be the case.

The footsteps that she heard on the other side of the door were unfamiliar to her. It was likely that her mother had company and was either overseeing dinner in the kitchen, or was tending to something out back and therefore hadn't heard the knock. The pacing was slow and steady, far heavier than Phoebe's had ever been, so Kathryn decided that perhaps, after two decades, her mother had found herself a man. It occurred to Kathryn that the steps sounded vaguely familiar after all, and she began to wonder if she already knew the person her mother had taken an interest to.

However, nothing could have prepared her for the sight of the person those footsteps turned out to belong to. The door opened to reveal none other than-

"Chakotay?"

She took in the sight of him standing in front of her, hardly changed since the last time she had laid eyes on him. His shoulders were just as broad as she remembered, his stance just as strong, his eyes just as heart-warming. The only differences that she could see were that his face had become more lined and that his raven hair was slightly longer and peppered with gray and silver. But that was hardly surprising, Kathryn herself had gained silver streaks over the past year.

"Hello, Kathryn."

"What are you doing here?"

"Well, I was looking for you."

"Why?"

"There was something that I needed to talk to you about. When your mother told me you weren't here, she told me to stay and that you would be here in a couple of hours."

Kathryn was in shock. She couldn't believe that it was actually Chakotay, the man that she had been trying so hard to purge from her life, who was standing in the doorway of her childhood home. She couldn't believe it. His words began to fully register, and Kathryn remembered why her heart had broken the previous year.

She pushed past him, pulling her bag into the hallway behind her and leaving it by the foot of the stairs. He closed the door behind her. She just couldn't believe that this was happening, it was surreal. Walking straight into the kitchen, she noted that there was still fresh coffee in the pot from when it had last been made.

_Hallelujah_, she thought. _At least I now I'll be able to think straight. _

"Where's my mother?" Kathryn asked, reaching into a cupboard for a cup as she heard Chakotay walk into the room behind her.

"She went out with a friend."

"Did she say what time she would be back?" She set the cup down and began to pour.

"No."

Kathryn took a deep breath, still keeping her back to Chakotay to hide how much her hands were shaking as she brought the cup to her lips for a much-needed mouthful of the heavenly beverage. After her second gulp, she set it down again and gripped the edge of the kitchen counter to keep her hands occupied.

"Kathryn, don't do this."

"Do what?" She had to fight to keep her voice steady.

"Please, just talk to me."

"What do you want to talk about, Chakotay?"

She heard him take a step towards her and her heartbeat quickened. "I wanted to clear the air, to explain myself."

"From what I can tell, there doesn't seem to be much that needs explaining."

"You know that's not true, Kathryn." She could hear him fight to stay calm, much in the same way that she was. "What happened with Seven-"

"You should have told me." Her voice was dry and brittle as she spoke; she swallowed against the rising emotion inside her. "I don't care when or how, but you should have told me."

"I know."

_I can't stand talk to him. It hurts too much._ "I can't do this."

She walked out of kitchen through the back door, into the night once more. The cold air woke her up like a sharp slap to the face, and she took in a deep, steadying breath. She could hear him follow her as she walked down the frozen path and towards the snowy fields beyond, but what had she expected him to do?

"Kathryn!"

"I'm sorry, Chakotay, I just…"

"… needed some air?"

"Something like that."

A moment of silence passed between them, and Chakotay could almost feel the anxiety that rolled off Kathryn with every passing moment. But it was vital that she be the one to make the first move. This had to be done on her terms, not his. He knew her well enough to be certain of that.

"Why didn't you ever tell me?" She turned her head slightly to the side as she whispered to him.

"Truthfully?" He knew that she was at least as scared as he was of having this conversation- there was too much at stake.

"No, Chakotay, I want you to lie to me, to tell me that you cared about me too much to hurt me by letting me know you were seeing someone else behind my back," she turned to him, and he saw the anger ablaze in her piercing gaze, "that you didn't want to tell me because you were afraid that I would misunderstand the situation, that I would continue to deny my feelings for you and simply use your dating Seven as yet another excuse for us not to be together!"

Chakotay took a deep breath, keeping his eyes fixed on hers. He needed her to listen to him. "If I told you that, Kathryn, it would be no lie."

Her eyes softened slightly. Her whole demeanor seemed to change, to open up to him. He was getting through to her.

"What?" He could barely hear her, but he saw her lips move and the desperate question in her eyes.

"That wouldn't be a lie, Kathryn."

She blinked once, still shocked by her own words as well as his.

"I could never lie to you, Kathryn. You mean too much to me for that. I love y-"

"Don't!" She shouted, turning away from him again and began walking again, desperate to put some distance between the two of them. "Don't say that, Chakotay! Don't say that because you think that's what I want to hear!"

She couldn't think clearly when he was so close to her, when he looked at her. Seven years on Voyager had meant that she had grown used to the way a simple look from him made her stomach flip and her heart beat wildly. The time since she had last seen him had almost made her forget how the air felt too thin when he smiled at her, how her skin tingled if he brushed against her. She had tried to forget how much she loved him.

"I'm not!" he shouted, running after her. He took hold of her arm and spun her around, holding her chin with his free hand and forcing her to look into his eyes. "I love you, Kathryn, and there is nothing that will change that! Believe me, I've tried. I have done everything I can to try and forget you, but I can't. I have tried to move on, to kid myself into believing that you don't feel the same way, but I can't believe that any more! You just said it yourself, you have feelings for me. I can't believe that you don't love me; that you don't care for me somehow. Because that's what this is, isn't it?"

She tried to look away, but her eyes had betrayed her. He had seen the flash of admittance, of confirmation, as she reacted to his words.

He took a step forwards and cupped her cheeks gently in both hands, holding her cool, soft skin as he had dreamed of doing for so many long years.

"I know you've been hurt before, Kathryn. That the people you have loved have either been hurt or have hurt you. I could never intentionally hurt you, Kathryn."

A lone tear rolled down her cheek as he spoke softly to her, his words worming their way through her defenses and embedding themselves within her heart. He brushed it away gently with his thumb and felt her swallow as she tried to speak.

"I know you couldn't want to hurt me. I do, it's just… " her voice broke and she swallowed, trying to regain composure before continuing. "I don't want you to get hurt either, Chakotay." She lowered her gaze, no longer able to look him directly in the eye. "I don't think I'd be able to cope with that."

"You won't hurt me. Nothing you could do could pain me as much as living without you. This past year without you has made me realize that. I don't want to live like that, Kathryn. I don't want to live any life, no matter how long and successful it might be, unless you are beside me in it."

A sob broke free from her throat as she saw the pain she had felt over the past year reflected back at her in Chakotay's eyes. She knew that what he was saying was true for her as well, that her life wouldn't be worth living without him. "I always thought that we would be together once we made it back. But we weren't. I had pushed you away too much, and you were happy with someone else. I can't forgive myself for that."

"Never blame yourself for that, Kathryn. Seven was my mistake, and I ended it with her months ago, as soon as I realized what a fool I had been. I tried to move on from you. Not a day has gone by since when I haven't regretted doing so. But I couldn't get hold of you, I couldn't tell any of this. So I came to see you. And when you weren't here, I waited. I waited for you like I should have done in the first place."

The pain in his voice was so prominent that it almost seemed tangible. She watched him as he took a deep breath to steady himself. Being in his presence was harder than anything else Kathryn had ever done in her life, but she knew that this was a conversation that had to find some form of conclusion tonight. This wasn't something that was going to blow over. "Do one thing for me, Kathryn, and I promise you, I'm gone."

Another tear ran down her cheek, but this time he did not wipe it away and it fell into the snow at their feet. He leaned in to her, placing his hands on her shoulders gently and speaking so quietly as though he almost didn't want her to hear his request.

"Tell me you don't love me. Look me in the eye and tell me honestly that you don't have any kind of feelings for me."

She could hear the break in his voice and a second tear fell to the ground as Kathryn choked out her reply. "Please don't ask me to do that."

"Why, Kathryn? Why can't you just tell me that you don't love me?"

_Because that would be a lie. Because I don't want you to leave. Because I don't want to lose you again. _

"Kathryn, look at me." She didn't move, but shut her eyes.

"Please," he begged, returning a hand to her neck and running his thumb over her cheek again. "Please, Kathryn, just look at me. Just look at me and tell me."

She did. Kathryn Janeway looked into the eyes of the man she had known, trusted, and loved for the past eight years. She saw that the strongest person she had ever known was fighting tears, and was fighting them because of her. The sight she saw made her heart ache. She could feel her it crumbling inside her at her own stupidity. _How could I ever have thought that I could live without this man?_

"Chakotay, I can't!" Her shoulders shook as she cried out. "I can't tell you I don't love you because I do!"

They both froze, almost as solidly as the ground beneath their feet, at her outburst. Although they had both been expecting her to say it, hearing the words was so much more than either had anticipated.

"I do love you. I love you with everything in me-" she began, but Chakotay cut her off, swiftly lowering his lips to meet hers in the most soul-stirring kiss either one of them had ever had.

With the condensation of her confession still hanging in the cold air between them, Kathryn Janeway was pulled into the first kiss with the man she had loved since her life had held true meaning. With that one kiss, she could feel the pain of the past year slip away, melt like ice in the morning sun. Kathryn could feel his arms around her, holding her close as though it would kill him to let her go.

Chakotay pulled back slightly, pressing a kiss to her crown as she wrapped her arms around his waist and laid her head on his chest, her own heart calmed by the sound of his.

"I love you too, Kathryn."

"I know you do. I should have continued to believe it."

"Come on, let's go inside," suggested Chakotay as he rubbed her upper arms. "Your coffee will be getting cold."

"Heaven forbid," she muttered, feeling him shake as he chuckled against her hair.

And so, with her arm around his waist and his around her shoulders, the two of them walked back to the house. Both could feel their hearts mending again, and neither had ever felt more at peace.

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Thank you for reading. :)


End file.
